"We will keep right on living"

Blogging. who would have thought it would be so hard to do it consistently? I'd like to think I'm very good at it and come up with many interesting and catching posts..but, to be honest, I'm quite dreadful at it. Oh well. Perhaps in time I will get better.

Tonight what is on my mind the most is the idea of time..and with regards to time I am mainly thinking about the fact that I am getting older. obviously. But time brings so much more than just age..it brings change with it. Of course change is not always a bad thing, but sometimes it is hard to accept. My grandparents have just moved out of the house they have lived in for 50 years. That, of course, brings much change. I was walking through the nearly empty house a few days ago and couldn't help but feel out of place. It was no longer the home I remembered so well. Instead, it was a big empty house with a  SOLD sign stuck in the yard. I wandered through the house letting my fingers trace along the walls that seemed to have so much life in them. Life that I was apart of, and now a life that would no longer be.

My grandparents moving has truly made me dwell on the idea of "place." "Place" is not simply somewhere you go to take a break from the busyness of living your life.  "Place" is where you live your life. It shapes one's character like everything else. My grandparents designed, built, and loved their house. They lived every day in it, building it up and making it home. It is because of their love for the house that my mom, her siblings, and now I have a great love for it. It is not simply a structure. It is built of love filled memories. This is the house I remember, and it is the house I choose to remember..for it is no longer going to be that house. It will take on new memories and will become someone else's "place."

As hard as this is, I have to keep reminding myself that this change isn't all bad. I guess I should correct what I said earlier. It's not that the love that exists in those walls will be gone, it will simply take on another form. This new form will also change each of us, and one day, it too will be where many memories are found.

What this has to do with me getting older I'm not entirely sure. Perhaps it is that I feel like I am leaving my childhood behind with the house.  Of course I still have my memories, but they no longer live in that house, they now live only in me. Sometimes I wish I could remain a child forever..though I know it is foolish to wish such things. There is richness in every stage of life, and wisdom to be gained through each. But sometimes it seems it would be so. much. easier.  But that is not the way the world was made. So, to quote Wendell Berry's Hanna Coulter, "we will keep right on living."

Memories

A year ago today my mamaw died. I've spent the day thinking much of her and remembering fond memories I shared with her. These memories are truly beautiful to me and I'm sure they always will be. I cling to them, never wanting to forget her smile or her laugh or her joyful countenance. Each one lives inside me as a colorful picture so I may never forget.

So, here are a small few of my memories with her..

I remember when I was little going up to the trailer my mamaw and papaw used to own in the mountains to spend a few days. I loved that trailer. It was small, but homely and familiar to me, and the scenery was beautiful. But my favorite memories of that place aren't the forests and winding roads through the mountain, but rather the early mornings. My sister Michelle and I would wake up and meet my mamaw in the kitchen. we'd make hot tea and grab a bowl of gingersnaps and go sit out on the porch in rocking chairs that looked over the edge of the mountain. They were cool mornings and we would listen to the birds chirping and watch the day come to life. My sister and I would sit there dipping our gingersnaps into our tea listening as my mamaw told us stories. She'd tell us things she'd done as a young girl and how she met my papaw, and she'd tell us funny stories of when my dad was little. I'd sit and listen, following my mind back through many years and shaping images in my imagination. she would also tell us the names of the birds that were chirping, and we would have fun spying them in the trees. I loved these times, and looked forward to them always.

I remember her smile, and the way she would talk to you like you were the dearest person in the world to her. I remember her hugs, and her kind, wise words of advice. I remember her laugh as something I always loved to listen to. When she smiled, you smiled, when she laughed, you laughed. 

I remember thoroughly enjoying car rides with her. whenever we would go around a sharp turn she would say "whee!" as though we were on a roller coaster and I would always laugh. I'm not sure if she did that for our benefit or because she really thought it was fun. regardless, I thought it was hilarious...and now I do it.. :)

I love these memories. But even more than the memories I love the woman they are centered around. I miss her, and think of her often. and I look forward to the time when one day I no longer need those memories because I'll be with her again.

mamaw as a young mother. lovely

I haven't blogged in months. of course, I've been meaning to, but it never seemed to happen. I've even sat down several times and started a post, but never seemed to be able to finish it. So, this time I'm determined to to finish...

a small bit of my life over the past few months:

chalk with my little nephews

  Ransom loves humpty dumpty. he goes around the house saying "dumpy dumpty." so I (sort of) drew with chalk and Ransom kept pointing at it saying "dumpy dumpty!"

baking christmas cookies

hiking 

Sola Coffee Shop. delicious

Poetry

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.

And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.

When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.
So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.

Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.

Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.

Listen to carrion -- put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.

Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.

As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go.

Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection. 

- Wendell Berry

Hannah Coulter

Last night I finished one of the books I wanted to read over the summer:  Hanna Coulter by Wendell Berry. It was one of the most endearing, books I have ever read. I wasn't sure what to expect when I first started reading it. Of course, I knew it must be good since Wendell Berry is the author, but I didn't know exactly how wonderful it would be. I'm always amazed at Wendell Berry's ability to say several profound and thought provoking things in one page!

Hannah Coulter is written from the perspective of an old woman looking back at her life. (another amazing feet by the author, you truly forget it is really written by a man.) The book is filled with sorrow and death, but it is amazing to see the characters overcome their grief. It also deals with change in family and culture. sometimes good, sometimes not.  but whatever it is, the characters wake up every morning and "live right on."  I can't help but feel I have grown wiser simply by reading it...at least, I hope so.

All I could do when I finished was sit on the couch, look at the book, and somehow wish it would keep going and never end. But, I loved the ending, so I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't say I never cried while reading this book, I certainly did. There are several parts in the book I wanted to underline, but it being a library book I didn't feel I had the liberty. (and, silly me, I didn't think to mark the page.) but, out of the whole book, this is one of my favorite quotes:
   
     "Grief is not a force and has no power to hold. You only bear it. Love is what carries you, for it is always there, even in the dark, or most in the dark, but shining out at times like gold stitches in a piece of embroidery."

Reading, reading, reading

Yesterday I walked across a stage and received my high school diploma. After watching my five siblings do the same thing, I'm glad it was finally my turn! As excited as I am, I can't help feel a little lost. I have been working up to this point for, what seems, my entire life. Now that I am here, what happens? As apprehensive and excited as I am about going to college, my mind is more focused here. Summer. All I want to do is sit down on the couch with a glass of iced green tea and a book and read the long, hot days away. So, a few books I want to read(and finish since one or two I've already started) are:  

Jayber Crow by Wendell Berry

Hannah Coulter by Wendell Berry

The Moviegoer by Walker Percy

The Silmarillion by Tolkien

C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy

     Okay, so maybe this isn't exactly practical. The Silmarillion alone could take nearly an entire summer. But, I can at least get a head start on some of these...

Flannery O'Connor

"The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it." -Flannery O'Connor

I love reading O'Connor's short stories and novels! They are very different from what I would normally pick up on a dreary day and start reading, but she never fails to draw me in with her style and her characters. All of her stories are harsh and deal with a central theme of dark grace. Yet, she also shows great hope and redemption through the characters. If you have never read one of her stories, read one.

I have found that it is very easy to read her stories and look down upon the characters in them that need to change. Proud, lost, cruel, snobbish, they all need dark grace to shock them into seeing truth. God's truth. I read her stories and think to myself, "well, I'm glad I'm not like that!" I see the grace she puts in her stories and I am amazed at her wonderful faith. Yet, I do not fully grasp the meaning of the story until I am able to apply it to my own life. Which, is very hard to do. That means I have to admit that I am proud, lost, cruel, snobbish, etc.

Well, today I found myself in a place where I realized I could be the main character in one of her stories...and I must say, I wasn't exactly pleased by the realization. Of course it is easy to read her stories and half heartedly think, "sure, I could be like that sometimes." But it is much more convicting when it seems to slap you in the face! It's so easy to see wrong in others when all along it is staring us in the face. I guess that is one beautiful thing about O'Connor's writing. She has the uncanny ability to point out those evils which are in every man's heart. But, she doesn't leave us there. She shows grace. Dark grace that brings us to redemption.

So, like I said, if you have never read one, do!

Some of my favorites:
Parker's Back
A Good Man is Hard to Find
Revelation
The Violent Bear it Away (a novel)